It’s not often you get the chance to drive a house, that privilege is normally saved for those whose role in life is to pilot a double decker bus, or hen party filled stretched Hummer.
Certainly none of them can claim to have hit 60mph in around four seconds, but owners of Merc’s new S63 AMG coupe can.
That’s because hottest version of the giant German two-door is the answer to the question “I wonder how much we could put in it”, how much of what though? Answer – everything.
Everything about this Goliath is about size, it’s an S-class with two doors, it has a humongous 5.5 litre V8 biturbo pumping out a colossal 585 bhp, a mindblowing 900 Nm of torque, comes in at wallet busting £125, 595 as standard and weighs 2.5 tons, superlatives are exhausted at every turn.
What you get with all that size is presence, road presence that nothing else could really match, and somehow Mercedes have packaged it all into a car that is genuinely nice to look at.
This truck is far from slab sided, in fact you would be hard pressed to find a straight line anywhere on it.
What it is is a sleek, yet muscular, coupe you’d be happy to take home to your mother on prom night.
Inside it is nothing less than what you would expect from an S, just with less room in the back.
We’ve driven the standard S and loved the way Mercedes have stuck to their principles and stacked it full of tech you wouldn’t find anywhere else, and that isn’t compromised by the arrival of AMG.
Our version is specced up to hit £149,165 and includes loading for ski equipment and the 47 swarovski crystals that twinkle in the headlights.
The view is dominated by a humongous TFT screen, which takes control of everything from the radio (pumped out apparently through 24 speakers, twenty four) to the ludicrously cool night vision camera.
Not that you really need look at it, unless you’re lost or driving in the pitch black the excellent head up display will tell you everything you need to know.
It’s a coupe, so the room in the back is not what an S badge would normally bring, but it’s still relative, and of course the front seat slides itself out of the way like a silent doorman to aid entry.
Step inside, push the starter button and you immediately get a satisfying burble that will soundtrack your experience, but not too intrusively. This is an S after all.
Put your foot down and the predicament of all that girth comes home to roost, that much torque just can’t be put down on these damp October roads, even by the S63’s huge boots.
Floor it and the traction control kicks in almost instantly, if it didn’t we’d still be sat there with the big Merc screwing its tyres into the ground now. A ballerinas touch is best used in these conditions.
But when the titanic battle between friction and torque has been won the S63 is off like a rocket, although comparing it to exocet missiles may actually be doing it a disservice.
You would probably be hard pushed to get the 4.2 second sprint actually nailed down under normal circumstances, but, shrugging off it’s mighty waist, the 63 gives it a damn good try.
Show it a corner and the S takes on the challenge manfully, helped by Mercedes new trick active suspension, which leans the car into each turn, helping to eliminate roll.
Such suspension isn’t new, but Mercedes trick is to use the myriad of cameras around the car to sense upcoming twists and automatically lean, ready for action.
It’s surprisingly sprightly for a car that weighs in at 2,070 kg, but the S63 AMG is really a cruiser, not a racer.
Nothing ever feels balls out fast, partly due to that suspension, leaning in means the wheel never really weights up, which feels odd, almost numb.
What it does feel is always just a little too close to the walls of these winding Yorkshire roads, but you won’t see one of these back here normally, they’ll be on more open roads.
The majority of any S63’s life will be spent cruising on a motorway, flick the suspension settings into comfort and it’s simply one of the best rides around.
Refinement isn’t quite as good as you’d find on the standard S, but it was never going to live up to those heights once AMG had fiddled with it.
The S is a great vehicle, albeit one for a very small market of plutocrats in a hurry, any complaints we can muster are really just quibbles, it’s big, but that’s the point, and the gearbox sometime hesitates when you pull the lovely metal paddles.
It’s all relative in the end, there really isn’t anything that could get you from A to B faster and in more comfort than this monster.
Really, it isn’t a car, its more of a weapon, a beautifully upholstered battleship.
Mercedes S63 AMG – Ridiculous power, ultra luxury, trick suspension, its a weapon!